State rumination focuses on current feelings and implications of failure.
Task-irrelevant rumination may serve to distract the person from the failure by thinking of events or persons unrelated to the blocked goal.
i've been thinking a lot lately. waking up parts of the brain. sometimes it's other brains, sometimes it's just seeing something new. i can feel ridges in my brain curl with enlightenment. a lot of it comes from just feeling more of life. there was this one time i felt the curls tighten like the ends of a smile, a little mouth growing. it's difficult for me to speak sometimes, i knew it. my brain held that and knew it was time to say something.
feeling sick one morning, i boiled water for tea. i sliced ginger into the pot and added some herbs. I hung over the pot and took in the steam slowly. it was that wet burn, pungent with remedy, that soothed my mind. the steam creeped up my nose and found its way into the folds of my brain. the smile cracked open and took the smoke in a happy yawn. the lips of my brain smacked a little- finally, just the thing to wake me up from my fatigue.
i heard my brain yammering for days after this. ideas sucked into the loud mouth and the sound of chewing on them. yugh, if i could get that sound out of my head. it was like a million conversations happening in an empty hallway. how was it happening and why was it hard to traverse the door at the end that was calling my name like, "c'mon hawa, i need you to open me up wtf this isn't hard" but really, it was.
chewing on realization can be extremely difficult and very relaxing. i'm realizing i nestle right in the middle of that state. some of the bitter thoughts rolling around make my brain gag and thoughts of the past are like minimal upchuck, small enough to swallow again without feeling like it ever tried to resurface. sometimes i get brain vomit and let everything out of my body through words, liquids, screams, dreams.
i'm looking for the ideas, for the things to be thought. spit them out when i've had it, knowing after digesting them, they're still a part of me. maybe they're just looking for home, these reflections and ruminations. what i seek is seeking me. maybe we are small compared to the ideas and ways of the universe, so small that we are just shells they crawl into. we are so tiny, i couldn't care less and i couldn't be more excited for it all.