side-effect

I'm sitting on the floor in my living room, the laptop an extension of my grief clinging on to the ethernet cable for every ounce of signal to the world. my empty bowl of cereal is next to it, my glasses on the floor (that i'm likely going to forget and tear the house apart looking for) next to the cables basket, and my phone on rest in between candy crush rushes.

I get a call from a friend about the prospects of moving to new york. i've loved the bay as a home the past 7 years, defend it like it's my religion, and haven't wanted to leave. recently, amidst all the "tech transformation" of SF and all the online arguments about race, class, privilege and a breed of artists fleeing for better opportunities in cities where dreams can supposedly happen, i'm wondering if this city still wants me here and has a dream job for me.

I get angry on the phone, "i don't want to think about it!" but really my rage isn't about the tech boom, my friends moving, or institutional violence (Ellis Act). It's the pain of a split consciousness, being a child of the moment right before, and right after, the internet. When I grew up thinking and knowing a college degree would get me far, and yet here I am with my honors UC Berkeley degree, a decent resume and portfolio, crying at my 3rd streak of unemployment the past 2 years- still cradling Apple gadgets like I got a house full of babies and no time for myself.

Yes there's anger that is a byproduct of that split mind reserved for a growing tech industry, but I'm complicit in it. And that's the pain of existence. Rent is ridiculous, communities are changing, but I'm still googling, facebooking and tweeting about it on my iPhone.

Where I'm struggling is fitting in. Landscapes change, and then SF Unified introduces coding lessons into public classrooms to breed a saturation of the market, and boom maybe we'll be back in the pits.

I'm not a hater of the industry, I'm a hater of what our institutions prioritize. When I google NEA, surely the top hit is a venture capital company, but scroll down some and I'll find the National Endowment for the Arts page. They released a report in finding in 2011 Arts and Cultural Production accounted for $504 Billion in GDP. In quantifying the impact of Arts and Culture, this research serves to illuminate the exact significance of the industry and how it contributes to the creativity and innovation of a chunk of the labor force. Last year, the House of Representatives approved a bill that cut the NEA's funding nearly %50. That's just one example of cuts to programs like the arts, housing, welfare to prioritize the safety of society- and since when has safety ever meant peace?

Please save the "if you work hard, you'll get it" speech. I've poured my heart and soul into some of my jobs only to be deemed disposable or a threat. As a woman of color with strong values in consciousness and a commitment to diversity, I'm finding I have to carve my own path and that's chill. We are living in an entrepreneurial moment, so I'll take advantage of that, but I'll also take advantage of the psychological price

So here I am, slumped, sitting next to my countless digital profiles wondering if my multiple personalities will ever coalesce into a coherent message manifesting a distinct career path? It seems like just doing one thing isn't what I've been bred for in this internet habitat. Or are we all trying to create something out of nothing? Create conditions for split minds that don't exist in our archaic (by web standards) institutions?

Maybe that's why they say we're losing faith, turning to our own instincts, and looking for a pat on the back doing it.